1 ^ 1 

SalvaHon of JemttiTj Slanq 



■Robert J. Frij 



AUTHOR'S PREFACE 

In the preparation of this play, the author has been conscious that 
he is entering a portion of the field of writing that seems to have been 
avoided by others who are, doubtless, older and wiser than he. He 
feels, however, that there is need of such an endeavor, and if this 
attempt should encourage some one to write in this field, he will feel 
grateful that it has accomplished a part of its mission. 

Perhaps it may seem to some that the author has been very lax 
in the matter of stage direction, he having designated very few of 
the points of entrance, exit or walks. This has been done purposely. 
Too often over attention to the technic of a play kills its spirit. The 
author believes that it will make very little difference whether Jemmy 
Slang exits at the right, at the left, or through the window if the 
student playing the part has really created Jemmy Slang. Likewise, 
he believes that the ingenuity of any group of students and teachers 
is quite sufficient to meet these needs. 

In closing it is the author's wish that this little play may be seen 
to border on allegory enough to set forth good English, slang and 
ignorance in their proper relations. If it docs this, its rendition will 
have value beyond that of merely having acted a play. 

Robert J. Fry. 



The Salvation of Jemmy Slang 

A Comedy in Two Acts 
ROBERT J. FRY, 

The Lewis and Clarh High School, 

Spokane, Washington. 

Copyright, 1920, hy Robert J. Fry, 

DEDICATED 

in grateful acknowledgement to my Sophomore English Class of 

The Lewis and Clarh High School, 

who made this work possible. 






Characters in the Play 

Mr. Best English. 

Miss Culture — later Mrs. Best English. 

Miss Better English 1 

' [ daughters of Mr. and Mrs. Best English. 
Miss Good English J 
Mr. Ignorance, alias Mr. Iggy Slang. 
Sal Shiftless — later Mrs. Iggy Slang. 
"Ma" Shiftless. 
Jemmy Slang — son of Mr. and Mrs. Ignorance, alias Slang. 



JEC 22 1S20 

©GLD 56837 



TMP92-0092 86 



^ > 



ACT FIRST 
Scene One 
Scene — • 

Drawing room of Miss Culture's home. Mr. Ignorance, dressed as 
a butler, dusting furniture. 

Mr. Ignorance — 

After all the shaggin' I've done around this here town, I'll be 
chased clean half way around the block if I aint got the swellest 
job I seen yet! Gosh a' mighty, it's swell to be a butler for a 
bunch of highbrows — (Pause) — Here's hopin' I don't get bumped 
before the week is up. If I do, my gal, Sal Shiftless, will sure 
be sore. If I get fired here, I'm sure enough goin' to get canned 
there! But Sal's an easy goin' kid — Maybe I'd get by all right. 
(Looking around the room) Some of these here swells sure got 
queer ideas about runnin' a house ! Servin' them there finger 
bowls after they had ate their dinner ! Gee, at home we always 
washed our hands before we come to the table ! Heck ! Some- 
times I wish I was back at "The Dainty" hashin' out hamburgers ! 
(looks out of door at left) Here comes that dame. Miss Culture. 
Whenever I see that jane, my knees tremble and I aint myself at 
all. I don't know why it is, neither — my family was never afraid 
of nuthin' before. I'll have to brace up — I will, too, or my name 
aint Ignorance. [Resumes his work.] 
[Enter from the left. Miss Culture.] 

Miss Culture — 
James I 

Mr. Ignorance — 
Uh huh! 

Miss Culture (surprised) — 

James, never speak that way when I address you. Always reply, 

"Yes, Miss Culture." 
Mr. Ignorance — 

Ya, I'll do it next time. 
Miss Culture — 

James, I am expecting a caller this morning, Mr. Best English. 

I trust you remember the instructions I gave yesterday. Are you 

sure you can receive him and bring him to this room as I told 

you? 
Mr. Ignorance — 

Yes, Miss Culture, I aint a goin' to make no more mistakes, 

[door bell rings] 
Miss Culture — 

That is probably he now. 

[exist Mr. Ignorance, left] 

O, I do hope he does it well. 

[re-enter Mr. Ignorance followed by Mr. Best English] 



Mr. Ignorance — 

[marching down center stage, announcing] 
A swell gent come to see you. Miss Culture. 

Miss Culture — 

That will do James. [James still stands there until Miss Culture 

motions him to leave, then exits, right] 

[To Mr. Best English] Oh, I'm so mortified! 
Mr. Best English (consolingly) — 

There, there, never mind. We can't always be responsible for 

what our servants may do — especially new ones. 

Miss Culture — 

But the disappointment! I thought I was getting a jewel. He 

had such flattering letters of recommendation. I can not imagine 

how he ever secured them. 
Mr. Best English — 

By whom were they written.'' 

[they are seated] 
Miss Culture — 

One was signed by a Mr. Fraud and the other by a Mrs. Careless. 

Mr. Best English — 

Do you know v/ho those people are? 
Miss Culture — 

No, I have never known either of them. 

Mr. Best English — 

I believe the letters are forgeries. [rising] If I am not mistaken, 
I have seen this butler of yours before. Do you remember having 
heard of the time that an attempt was made to burn Doctor Dic- 
tionary's house? 

Miss Culture — 
Oh, yes. 

Mr. Best English — 

I feel very sure that this fellow's father was at that time accused 
of the crime. The evidence was strongly against him ; but he 
was tried before the court of public opinion, with whom Doctor 
Dictionary seemed to be somewhat unpopular at that time, and he 
escaped punishment. 

Miss Culture [rising] 

Mr. Best English, you don't mean to tell me that grand old man, 
Doctor Dictionary, ever did anything to make him deserve un- 
popularity ! I can not imagine such a thing — it seems absurd ! He 
has proved the best of friends to every one who has ever sought 
his help. Tell me, how did this ever happen? 

Mr. Best English — 

Well, I can scarcely understand the conditions of those times my- 
self. It was many, many years ago, you see, but I have heard 
my grandfather tell that once there was a time when our family 

4 



was very little known, and yours, I believe, was not yet heard of. 
Doctor Dictionary's father was a friend of my grandfather, and 
really was responsible for the start of our family into prominence. 
He helped, at that time, to establish the high principles for which 
our family is noted, and rendered the valuable service that dear 
old Doctor Dictionary has, since him, continued to both of us; and 
you know what a debt of gratitude we owe him. As I told you, 
I never have been able to understand the unpopularity that at- 
tended this noble work during that dark period. It seems that 
whenever one lives to a high principle, there is an opposition that 
seems to be personified by the very ones who will, finally, reap the 
greatest benefits from it. 

Miss Culture — 

But those times have now passed forever. How glad we are to live 
in these times ! Ever since I can remember our families have been 
respected for the principles for which they live. Like you, I can 
not understand how any one could ever have opposed such principles 
and have had the approval of any man, woman or child. One of 
my earliest recollections is that of a very little boy stopping my 
father one day, when he and I were out walking, and saying to 
him, "Mr. Culture, when I grow up, I'm going to be like you." 

Mr. Best English — • 

Yes, and now people all over the country seem to be nearly as 
happy as we since the announcement has been made of our approach- 
ing marriage. For my part, I know that it is destiny that has 
brought the time when, at last, the two great families of Cul- 
ture and Best English shall be united, never again to part, and 
shall join together in working out those great principles for which 
they have each labored for generations. 

Miss Culture — 

It seems like a dream, the struggles that are past, and the happi- 
ness that is before. Last evening, as I sat alone, thinking, my 
mind drifted into these channels and I went to the piano. Some- 
how my fingers followed my thoughts and then words shaped them- 
selves to the music. When I had finished, I found the expression 
of my mood in a song. Shall I sing it for you? 

Mr. Best English — 

Please do. It is right that such a time as this should find ex- 
pression in song. 
[Miss Culture goes to piano and sings] 

SONG 

Breaks the day o'er the edge of the ocean, 
And with it our dreams quickly fly; 
But their sweetness and grace. 
We still would embrace, 
And we'll smile as we whisper "Good-bye." 
Chorus 



The white ship of dreams soon shall bear us 

Back to the land whence we came; 

We shall leave with regret 

The land where we met, 

But we'll smile as we whisper its name. 

Chorus 
Dreams must end, and day must come again. 
Hearts must find a joy for ev'ry pain; 
In our hearts a sweet refrain 
Lingers from our dreams — our love dreams. 
Then, when twilight steals across the sea. 
In my dreams again you'll come to me, 
Singing love's sweet melody — 
In my world of dreams. 

—CURTAIN— 

The words and music for the song used in this scene can be secured 
for twenty-five cents per copy from Robert J. Fry, The Lewis and 
Clark High School, Spokane, Washington. 

Scene Two 

Scene — 

The shabbily furnished front room of the Shiftless home. Sal 
Shiftless dressed in poorly fitting clothes of colors that do not go 
well together, is sitting by the table. She rises and goes to the 
window. Looks out. 

Sal Shiftless — 

Can ya beat it? Here I've been waitin' half a hour for that guy, 
Ig. I don't see how he can expect me to stick around here countin' 
my fingers, waitin' for him to show up. Gosh durn it all, anyway, 
I wish I'd of took Mr. Nobody's invitation and gone to that swell 
dance tonight. They charge a nickel a dance and the orchestra 
plays the swellest jazz ya ever shook yer foot to. Listen! Here 
he comes. No, 'taint neither. Yes, 'tis, too. [hears knock. Goes 
to door. Enter Mr. Ignorance] 

Mr. Ignorance — 
Hello, kid. 

Sal Shiftless — 

Hello, Iggy, ole dear. How be ya? Why, what's the matter? 

Mr. Ignorance — 

Canned ! 
Sal Shiftless— 

What? 
Mr. Ignorance — 

Ya heard me. 
Sal Shiftless— 

Oh, Iggy. Ya told me it was such a swell job! 



Mr. Ignorance — 

Swell nuthing'. Say, listen, kid, I'd rather dig ditches than work 

for them puffed up idiots. Why, they don't know nuthin'. 
Sal Shiftless — 

Why, I thought they was one of the best families in the country. 
Mr. Ignorance — 

Best nuthin'. Say, listen, when I get as rich as them, I'll pass 

them up like a pay-train does a tramp. 
Sal Shiftless [laughing] — 

You know how that is ! 
Mr. Ignorance [embarrassed] — 

Well, I've heard somebody say that. [discouraged] Aw, gee, 

kid, I'm a gonna git outa here. I didn't do nuthin' to get canned. 

I know who's to blame — an' I'll get even with him some day — 

you see if I don't. 
Sal Shiftless — 

Who do you mean.'* 
Mr. Ignorance — • 

I mean that guy, Best English, that thinks he is so smart. Him 

and me'll mix some day. You see if we don't. 
Sal Shiftless — 

How's he to blame? 
Mr. Ignorance — 

Aw, he looked at me when he come in as much as to say, "You 

poor simp, what you doin' here?" Then Miss Culture sent me 

outa the room so her an' him could talk about me. It took him a 

long time to get her to fire me, at that, 'cause he was there pretty 

near two hours. 
Sal Shiftless — 

And was they talkin' about you all that time, Iggy? 
Mr. Ignorance [proudly] — 

Sure they was ! I looked in through the keyhole an' he was talkin' 

to her an' lookin' right at the door I was list'nin' through. Then I 

I listened, and heard him mention old Doc. Dictionary's name. 

There's another gink that never liked me, neither. But there 

aint no love lost there. I never could stand for that old dry bones ! 

Sal Shiftless — 

But if Doc. Dictionary is against ya, ya can't never amount to 
nuthin' in this man's country. 

Mr. Ignorance — 

I know it. Them guys have got the coin an' they've got the coun- 
try by the heels. I dunno what to do. 

Sal Shilftles— 

Why don't ya get outa here, Iggy? 

Mr. Ignorance — 

Where'd I go? — an' what'd I do when I got there? Them guys 

7 



have got influence every place. 
Sal Shiftless — 

Then why don't ya try and make up to 'em? Kid 'em along an' 

get the coin, an' then ya can be independent of 'em. 
Mr. Ignorance — 

They've got me spotted now. Its no use. 

Sal Shiftless — 

I'll tell ya what to do — change yer name. 

Mr. Ignorance — 

Aw, gee, if I'd kept my job I was goin' ter ask ya ter change 

yourn. 
Sal Shiftless [sentimentally] — 

Oh, Iggy, this is so sudden ! 

[enter Ma Shiftless] 
Ma Shiftless — 

Well, what's this, I'd like to know! 
Sal Shiftless — 

Oh, Ma, don't! 

Ma Shiftless [to Iggy] — 

Aint I told you I didn't want ya hangin' 'round my Sal,'' 

Sal Shiftless — 

But, Ma, he had a good job all last week! 

Ma Shiftless — 

What's he doin' NOW.? 
Sal Shiftless — 

Well, it aint his fault. That Mr. Best English and old Doc. Dic- 
tionary — 
Mr. Ignorance — 

Yes ! They was to blame fur the hull thing— they don't want to 

give a feller a chance. 
Ma Shiftless — 

Well, I'll give you a chance to get outa here. You keep hangin' 

'round my Sal and first thing ya know you'll have us in bad, too. 
Sal Shiftless — 

But, Ma, he proposed to me. 
Ma Shiftless — 

Him! 
Mr. Ignorance [desperately] — 

Yes, I done it. 
Ma Shiftless — 

What 'ud ya keep her with? Goodness knows I'VE got more'n I 

can do now to keep her in the style she's been used to. I aint 

a gonna take no more to feed. 
Sal Shiftless — 

We aint askin' you to. We got a plan. 

8 



Mr. Ignorance [helplessly] — 
Sure, we got a plan. 

Ma Shiftless- 
Well, I wish ya joy on it! [going to door] For my part — I'm 
done with ye! [exit Ma Shiftless] 

Mr. Ignorance [in despair] — 
Now we're up against it! 

Sal Shiftless — 

No we aint. We're goin' away and change our names, an' you're 
goin' to work an' get the coin. 

Mr. Ignorance — 

What will our names be? 

Sal Shiftless [after stopping a moment to think] — 

I remember a man that called on Doc. Dictionary once and they 
thought for awhile he would make a good impression. Doc. con- 
sidered him for awhile, they said, but he made a fool of himself 
someway or other, and Doc. kicked him out. He has, probably, 
forgotten him by now, because he left these parts and never came 
back. Let's take his name. 

Mr. Ignorance — 

What was his name.^ 

Sal Shiftless — 

Slang — Mr. Slang. 

Mr. Ignorance — 

Fine Sal ! Gee, you'll make a great wife ! You can write your 
name on your calling cards — when we get rich enough to buy 'em. 
It'll be great — Sal Shiftless Slang! 

Sal Shiftless — 

And yours ? Oh, I know ! We'll have it written on our tomb- 
stones, like this: Here lies Sal Shiftless Slang, dearly beloved 
wife of, of — Iggy Slang. That's what I'm going to call you — 
Iggy Slang. [they join hands and execute a clumsy dance, ex- 
claiming together as they dance off stage] 

O, we'll show the world what Slang can do! We'll show 'em. 
Slang ! Slang ! Slang ! 

—CURTAIN- 
ACT SECOND 
{^Twenty Years Later'\ 
Scene One 

Scene — 

Home of Mr. and Mrs. Iggy Slang. Sal Slang and Ma Shiftless, 
dressed gaudily [not ridiculous]. Furniture of the room arranged 
in bad taste. 

Ma Shiftless — 

Well, Sal, when do you suppose that fool, Ig, is ever goin' to 
make good on his promises? 

9 



Sal Slang — 

Aw, now, Ma, what d'ye think? Ig can't do everything in a day! 

Ma Shiftless — 

A day ! Say, Sal, d'ye realize ye've been married to that feller 
twenty years now — and what's he done for us — what HAS he 
done? Answer me that! Now, if yer father. Pa Shiftless, had 
staid with us 

Sal Slang — 

Listen, Ma, why do you always ring Dad in? It's been ten year 
now since he went fishin' one day and forgot to come back. An' 
you know that Iggy took ya in then — YOU who hadn't spoke to us 
for ten years before that — an' he's kep' ya an' bought ya clothes — 
better'n ya ever had before 

Ma Shiftless — 

I aint talkin' about myself, an' besides, if I was, Ig aint got 
nuthin' to brag about in them quarters neither. If yer pa had 
staid with us until them shares he bought in that gold mine made 
money, he'd 'a bought more dresses in a day than that good-for- 
nothin' Ig will ever buy in a year. Ig's always talkin' about glad 
rags — but all he does is talk. An' when we get 'em they don't 
do us no good. When's he goin' to put us in society, like he said 
he was ? I'm gettin' to an age when I want some of my society 
life here — I don't want to wait 'till I get to heaven for all of it. 

Sal Slang — 

Ma, you don't give Ig credit for nuthin'. Besides keepin' us an' 
feedin' us an' buyin' clothes for us, he has had to keep dishin' out 
change for Jemmy until it seems as though he never will get a 
chance to get his nose off the grindstone. 

Ma Shiftless — 

Yes, an' there's another one ! I don't see why you ever called 
him Jemmy ! You should 'a named him Ig the Second, 'cause he's 
just like his Dad — never does nothin but talk, outside 'a that jest 
good for nuthin'. He'll never get no further in society than Ig 
has. Here he comes now. 
[enter Jemmy Slang] 

Jemmy Slang — 

Hello, mammy. Well, gummer, how they hittin' today? On all 
four? By jove, mammy, sometimes I think glimmer's got more 
pep than all the rest of us put together. What was that yarn she 
was spinnin' to you when I come in? 

Sal Slang — 

O, the same old stuff — complainin' all the time. Wants to get into 
society ! Lor' what a swath she'd cut ! 

Jemmy Slang — 

She'd be some figger at that! Gummer, your idea's fine, it's just 
your long residence in these parts that's against you. Society 
always takes up with the new ones and young ones 

10^ 



Ma Shiftless [sarcastically] — 
You, for instance 

Jemmy Slang — 

Betcher life! I got a date tonight with the swellest little jane in 
this town — a regular good little pal — a humdinger — a peach! 

Sal Slang — 

Who is this new flame. Jemmy? 

Jemmy Slang — 

Honest, Ma, she's a winner. I'll make her one of the Slang family 

yet — you just watch my smoke! 
Sal Slang — 

But who is she? 
Jemmy Slang — • 

O, come on now, get yer brakes set so ya won't skid an' I'll tell ya. 

Are you all setting pretty now? Shall I shoot? 
Sal Slang — • 

Come on I 
Jemmy Slang — 

Well, then, this classy little chicken, that has driven me clean bugs, 

is no other than the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Best English. Ladies, 

[with an elaborate bow] I hereby announce to you my latest acquisi- 
tion, Miss Good English! 
Ma Shiftless — 

O, Jemmy, I know, now, you have the Shiftless blood in yer veins! 

Yer father, Ig, has been trying fer twenty years to get in with them 

folks an' here you do it without half trying. Jemmy, I'm proud of 

ya ! Yer a real Shiftless ! 
Sal Slang — 

When are ya goin' to bring her here so we can see her? 
Jemmy Slang [looks around then appears to lose all his enthusiasm] — 

O, sometime — [pause] — maybe. 
Sal Slang [alarmed] — 

Sometime? Maybe? Jemmy Slang, what d'ye mean? Ya don't 

mean to tell me ye're ashamed of yer father an' mother that have 

brought ye up an' worked so hard for ya, do ya? 
Jemmy Slang — 

Well, now, Mommer, let's cut the comedy. It aint exactly that — but, 

but — [discouraged] O, what's the use! [Leaving] See you in 

church, ladies! [Exit Jemmy Slang] 
Ma Shiftless— 

That's what he always says, "See you in church." What does he 

mean ? 

Sal Shiftless — 

Don't you know. Ma? Can't you see? He's ashamed of us! He's 
ashamed to let his swell friends know where he lives ! 

11 



Ma Shiftless — 

Does he want 'em to think he lives in a church? 

Sal Slang [crying] — 

No, Ma, can't you see? He's ashamed of us! Our own boy. Jemmy, 

ashamed of his folks ! 

[Sal and Ma cry on each other's shoulders] 

—curtain- 
Scene Two 

Scene — 

Parlor of the Best English home. Miss Good English and her sister. 
Miss Better English, in conversation. 

Better English — 

Good, I've something that I have wanted to say to you for a long 
time, but each time I have approached the subject, you have taken 
what I said amiss. Now I am your older sister, and I feel that I 
have a right to speak to you about things that are to your interest — 
and more especially when these things concern, as they do in this 
case, the honor of our whole family. 

Good English — 

Of course, you have, sister dear, but I did not think that I was such 
an important factor in our family that ever}'^ move I made should be 
viewed with a searchlight, to test whether or not the family honor 
would be tainted. 

Better English — 

Again you either mistake or pervert my real intention in this matter. 

Good English — 

Then, sister dear, please tell me how you wish me to act and I shall 
endeavor to please you, if it is within my power. Only please don't 
be too serious and stern with me. You know I never could stand 
that. I like life, gaiety, movement. That is why I like to go to 
parties and dances oftener than you. You always were slow to take 
up with the things that attracted me. 

Better English — 

Good, that is just the point of what what I had to say. Don't you 
think that it is, to say the least, a little indiscreet to take up with 
people and functions so quickly, and especially when they seem to 
have no one to sponsor them or to recommend them? 

Good English — 

But, Betty dear, I just go with the other young people of my age 
and attend the functions they attend. 

Better English — 

True, Good, you do the greater part of the time; but during the 
past few weeks I have noted efforts on the part of certain people to 
gain the attention of many of your friends. Most of them, I am 
pleased to say, have held to the custom that, if any of these wished 
their company, they should come to them in the way prescribed by 

12 



society for proper entrance into it, and should prove that they are 
able to meet the standards to which we live. 

Good English — 

O, Betty, you are old-fashioned. Don't you suppose I know a lady 
or a gentleman when I see one? This talk of yours sounds like a 
hundred years ago, when a stranger was an object of superstition, 
and was held under suspicion, unless you knew some one who knew 
his people for a generation or two back of him. 

Better English — 

No, it is not superstition, or that I suspect these people are bad; 
only I feel that we should know something more of them than we do 
at present before we make them our friends. 

Good English — 

Well, I have an engagement this evening with one of these young 
men who is under your suspicion. I like his company and my ob- 
servations of his actions at parties where I have seen him make me 
feel that he is a perfectly proper escort for me tonight. 

Better English — 

But do you not think that it would be just as well to ask father to 
look him up in the meantime? Not that I am expecting to find any- 
thing bad of him; in fact, I hope that everything that is found will 
be to his advantage, and will bear out your good opinion of him. 

Good English — 

O, you are perfectly welcome to look as far as you like. I am sure 
the young gentleman will welcome the investigation. 

Better English — 

What is the young gentleman's name? 

Good English — 

Mr, Jemmy Slang. 

Better English — 

Slang ? Where have I heard that name before? It seems that 

I have heard it, but the memory is very faint. I am sure they are a 
family who have never before been friends of the English family. 

Good English — 

And I am equally sure that we shall find them a valuable addition 
to our social life. 

Better English — 

Well, we shall see. 

—curtain- 
Scene Three 

[Two weeks later.^ 
Scene — 

Mr. Best English seated at desk in his office. Good English seated 

on the arm of his chair. 
Mr. Best English — 

Is this the afternoon the young man was to come to see me? 

13 



Good English — 

Yes, he is due here soon. Father dear, you have had him under con- 
sideration for two weeks now and you haven't given me a hint as 
to what you think of him. 

Mr. Best English — 

My dear, I have been placed in a peculiar position as a result of my 
investigation. From all that I can learn, the young gentleman is 
good-hearted, generous and entirely likeable. 

Good English — 

I knew that you would find him to possess all of those fine qualities. 

Mr. Best English — 

But there are things about him — evidently inherited from a family — ■ 
concerning whom whom my attention has been called to many ques- 
tionable things. 

Good English — 

But surely you do not hold Mr. Jemmy Slang responsible for the 
history of his family. If HE is noble and fine, he ought not be de- 
prived of the privilege of nice associations, because of things over 
which he has no control. 

Mr. Best English — 

You are right, Good, to a degree. The question that confronts me 
is, whether or not he is aware of the things I refer to, and whether 
he approved of them secretly, and has acquired a veneer of appar- 
ently acceptable qualities that serves only as a mask to hide a nature 
similar to his father's and his mother's. In order to make a little 
test of these things, I have requested that he bring his father and 
mother here with him this afternoon. I hear footsteps in the hall 
now. Will you please step in here during the interview? I may 
call you later. 

Good English — 

Very well, father. I feel sure that your judgment will be confirmed 

as to Mr. Jemmy Slang's worthiness. 

[Exit Good] 

[Enter Jemmy Slang, Sal Slang, Iggy Slang. Iggy Slang wears 

a mask over his eyes.] 
Mr. Best English [rising, extends his hand to Jemmy Slang. He does 

not offer to shake hands with Iggy or Sal Slang, who remain near 

the door.] 

How do you do, Mr. Slang. 
Jemmy Slang — 

Good afternoon, Mr. Best English. 
Mr. Best English [nods to Iggy and Sal Slang. They mumble "Howdy"] 

Mr. Slang, I sent for you and asked you to bring your parents this 

afternoon to help you to clear up certain things that concern your 

welfare both now and in the future. In the first place, let me make 

it clear that my purpose is, now, as it has always been, to extend 

14 



my help and friendship to any young man who shows a desire to 
improve himself, and proves sincere in his efforts. I have come to 
believe that you possess several commendable qualities, and I hope 
that you may soon be freed from some apparent defects. INlr. Slang, 
I have taken the liberty to examine the record of your family. Do 
you mind, now, if I ask a few questions of your mother before I 
proceed further ."^ 

Jemmy Slang — 

No, sir. I'm sure my mother will be willing to answer them as fast 
as you can shoot them. 

Mr. Best English — 

Then, Mrs. Slang, will you please tell me, does Jemmy seem entirely 
contented at home? 

3al Slang [coming forward] 

Lor', Mr. Best English, he aint home enough to give a chance ter 
find out! He jest comes in an' argues with us an' leaves again. 

Mr. Best English — 

Doesn't he ever bring any of his friends home with him.'' 

Sal Slang — 

No, Mr. Best English. He used ter until he got to chasin' around 
with a bunch of high-brows and swells [choking] but sence then — 
well, sence then — [bursting into tears] — he acts ashamed of us — 
[hysterically] — that's what he does — ashamed of us ! 

Mr. Best English [thoughtfully] — 
I see. 

Jemmy Slang — 

Now, Mommer, don't cry. It aint that, but — but — [in despair] — 
Aw, gee, Mr. Best English, don't you see that I'm in a deuce of a 
fix — an* that I'm doin' the best I can — an' that I can't amount to any- 
thing an' chase around with the people they go with — an' when I 
try to be somebody an' go with better folks, they get sore at me 
because I don't take them along — an' — an' [trying to control him- 
self] Oh, what's the use, Mr. Best English! [Crying] I can't 
never cut the mustard with a home like I've got! 

Mr. Best English [kindly [ — 

Jemmy, I'm glad you see your problem. Do you know who your 
father really is? 

Jemmy Slang — 

Only that he is my father. 

Mr. Best English — • 

Mr. Iggy Slang, why did you come here with a mask over your eyes 
this afternoon? 

Iggy Slang- 
Sore eyes. 

Jemmy Slang [fiercely] — ■ 

It's a lie! He never wore it before. He just wanted to embarass me! 

16 



Mr. Best English — 

Jemmy, I have looked up the record of the Slang family, and I find 
that there originally was never any such family. The records clearly 
show that the name Slang is merely a cover for another name that I 
shall speak presently. Jemmy, tear that mask from your father's 
face! 

[Jemmy crosses to Iggy Slang and snatches the mask from his eyes.] 
There, Mr. Ignorance, you have been hidden quite awhile, but you 
are unmasked at last. Confess now, sir, have you not used the name 
Slang to cover your real identity — Ignorance? 

Iggy Slang- 
Come on, Sal. This aint no place for decent people like u^. Let's 
get out where the air's fit to breathe ! 
[Exit Iggy and Sal Slang] 

Jemmy Slang [after a pause during which he tries to get control of 
himself.] 

O, Mr. Best English! What can I do? How can I thank you? 
I always, somehow, felt that Slang wasn't the whole thing — but I 
never knew my father was ignorance ! Do you think there is any 
hope for me? 

Mr. Best English — 

My boy, I told you that I am the friend of all young men who sin- 
cerely desire to improve. [Calls] Good! 

Good English [enters] 
Yes, father. 

Mr. Best English [continuing to Jemmy Slang] 

To re-assure you of that, I am going to permit my daughter. Miss 
Good English, to take you over and introduce you to our old friend 
and family physician, Doctor Dictionary, and she and he will help 
you. I know your efforts will be crowned with success, for Doctor 
Dictionary has helped many a young man to acquire his rightful 
standing in the world. [Extending his hand to Jemmy.] Good-bye, 
my boy. May success attend your efforts. Come and see me often. 
[Exit Good English and Jemmy Slang.] 
[Mr. Best English comes forward and speaks.] 

EPILOGUE. 

Now, hath time the hour unfurled. 

When, more clearly, we can see. 

That the men who rule the world. 

Shall of one great family be. 

There shall be no fool or clown. 
Who may gather aught of wealj 

He who strives to high renown. 
Shall bear on the high ideal. 
—CURTAIN— 

16 



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